Now it begins

color seascape
Originally uploaded by -Mandie-

The photos have been dropped off at the fairgrounds. Today at 10 AM began the most anxiety-ridden 49 hours of my year. I was in a baking frenzy for the rest of the day, trying to get my other entries delivered by 6 PM, but it was not meant to be. As in years past, I pace in my mind, wondering the outcome, if I have any ribbons, what the competition is like, if I'll make my money back... The what-ifs really get me.

I guess that's because I really care too much about my performance. That I'm sure goes back to my parents, but it became really clear in school. I had to make A's. I wanted the praise and admiration of my teachers, my parents, anyone in authority. I wanted to be noticed because I was good. I like positive attention. I hated being in trouble, so I avoided it at all costs. I didn't talk out of turn. I did all my homework. I ate all my dinner. I acceled at all I tried, because if I was going to try it, I wanted that reward at the end - be it an A, a ribbon, a badge, or a treat. Pour instance: My mom swore me to secrecy about the speeding ticket she got on the way to Ohio. I told Dad on the way to school a few days later that I had a secret. He said, "I'll buy you an ice cream cone." I folded within a millisecond - "Momma got a ticket!!". He reinforced my behavior with a double-scoop, and I knew right then that I was reward-driven. I wanted all the gold stars. I read all the directions so there wouldn't be any mistakes, because that's about as embarrased as I get. I put forth my best effort. But this year, despite a spontaneous trip to the beach, and then to the mountains, I feel a little rushed, and unsure of my end product. So this year, unlike the rest, my confidence is shaky. I used to mock Sara for staying up late the night before the drop-off, cutting foam core and spraying haphazard craft glue. Last night, that person was me. Except I tried being a little less messy - I bought pre-cut core and used Modge Podge, but I was up late last night nonetheless, picking up my prints from the Photo Lab and pasting them by overhead dinner table light. I missed Nicholas Sparks autograph signing by a few minutes, but that's another story.

Tomorrow is the judging.

I'm trying not to go insane. But be sure - I'll be one of the first at the gate on Friday morning at 11 AM - and I'll be making a bee line to the photos. Wish me luck.